why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
