Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
