I think i sorta joined a cult last night
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
