I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
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Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
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I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly