I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
