is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
