What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Randomize
