You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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