either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Randomize
