how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Randomize
