4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Randomize
