Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
