I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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