And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
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