i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
