Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
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I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
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You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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