its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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