Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Randomize
