just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
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No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
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she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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