After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
