WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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