so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
