Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
