Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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