paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
