my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize