if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
