at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
