the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
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