Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
