There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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