Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
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You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
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I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.