Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
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I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
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Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?