3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
How external is "for external use only"?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Randomize
