i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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