im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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