I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
