i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
