Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
