I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
