I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Dicks are not precious.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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