Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
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