Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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