I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
