so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
