I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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