dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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