I love black thongs
have fun at tinkers! p.s. are there any hot guys who look like they wanna wait until marriage to have sex?
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
