Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Randomize
