apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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