i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
19 Of The Most Epic “I Quit’ Stories Ever
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
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Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.