You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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