I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
